Every day I anxiously wait for you to get to class. I can’t wait for us to smile at each other and say good morning. Some days, when you arrive only seconds before the lecture begins, I’m incredibly impatient. Instead of reading the Daily Cal, I anticipate your footsteps from behind and listen for your voice. Today is one of your late days. But, I don’t mind, because after a month of desperately desiring to ask you out, today I’m going to. Encourage me, because letting you know I like you seems as risky to me as skydiving into the sea.
I know that dating has changed dramatically in the past few years, and for many women, asking men out is not at all daring. But I was raised in a traditional European household where simply the thought of my asking you out spells naughty. Growing up, I learned that men call, ask and pay for the date. During my three years at Berkeley, I have learned otherwise. Many Berkeley women have brightened their social lives by taking the initiative with men. My girlfriends insist that it’s essential for women to participate more in the dating process. “I can’t sit around and wait anymore,” my former roommate once blurted out. “Hard as it is, I have to ask guys out- if I want to date at all!”
Wonderful. More women are inviting men out, and men say they are delighted, often relieved, that dating no longer solely depends on their willingness and courage to take the first step. Then why am I digging my nails into my hand trying to muster up courage?
I keep telling myself to relax since dating is less stereotypical and more casual today. A college date means anything from studying together to sex. Most of my peers prefer casual dating anyway because it’s cheaper and more comfortable. Students have fewer anxiety attacks when they ask somebody to play tennis than when they plan a formal dinner date. They enjoy last-minute “let’s make dinner together” dates because they not only avoid hassling with attire and transportation but also don’t have time to agonize.
Casual dating also encourages people to form healthy friendship prior to starting relationships. My roommate and her boyfriend were friends for four months before their chemistries clicked. They went to movies and meals and often got together with mutual friends. They alternated paying the dinner check. “He was like a girlfriend,” my roommate once laughed-blushing. Men and women relax and get to know each other more easily through such friendships. Another friends of mine believes that casual dating is improving people’s social lives. When she wants to let a guy know she is interested, she’ll say, “Hey, let’s go get a yogurt.”
Who pays for it? My past dates have taught me some things. You don’t know if I’ll get the wrong idea if you treat me for dinner, and I don’t know if I’ll deny your pleasure or offend you by insisting on paying for myself. John whipped out his wallet on our first date before I could suggest we go Dutch. During our after-dinner stroll he told me he was interested in dating me on a steady basis. After I explained I was more interested in a friendship, he told me he would have understood has I paid for my dinner. “I’ve practically stopped treating women on dates,” he said defensively. “It’s safer and more comfortable when we each pay for ourselves.” John has assumed that because I graciously accepted his treat, I was in love. He was mad at himself for treating me, and I regretted allowing him to.
Larry, on the other hand, blushed when I offered to pay for my meal on our first date. I unzipped my purse and flung out my wallet, and he looked at me as if I had addressed him in a foreign language. Hesitant, I asked politely, “How much do I owe you?” Larry muttered, “Uh, uh, you really don’t owe me anything, but if you insist…”
Insist, I though, I only offered. To Larry, my gesture was a suggestion of rejection.
Men and women alike are confused about who should ask whom out and who should pay. While I treasure my femininity, adore gentlemen and delight in a traditional formal date, I also believe in equality. I am grateful for casual dating because it has improved my social life immensely by making me an active participant in the process. Now I can not only receive roses but can also give them. Casual dating is a worthwhile adventure because it works. No magic formula guarantees “he” will say yes. I just have to relax, be Laura and ask him out in an unthreatening manner. If my friends are right, he’ll be flattered.
Sliding into his desk, he taps my shoulder and says, “Hi, Laura, what’s up?”
“Good morning,” I answer with nervous chills, “Hey, how would you like to have lunch after class on Friday?”
“You mean after the midterm?” he says encouragingly. “I’d love to go to lunch with you.”
“We have a date,” I smile.
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